When I threw around the idea of starting a blog, I figured I’d use the platform as a catalog for the things I was interested in; recipes, workouts, crafts, and fun date night ideas around the city. I loved keeping busy, and I LOVED sharing things with others that I know they would enjoy.
When Mike and I went to Ireland for our honeymoon right after our wedding, I didn’t sleep for 5 nights. The jet lag hit me harder than ever, but I spent those sleepless nights jotting down ALL of the interests I wanted to share on my new blog. I was going to try it all and share it all, with you – all 5 followers! But a month later, after the crash, I had many a sleepless nights once again, only they were fueled with flashbacks and loud bangs, heavy limbs, a feeling of dread that I wore like a smelly housecoat. The ideas that filled my phone and my journals all seemed trivial and surface-level, and quite frankly, insignificant to explore anymore. Life seemed like it was worth more and less all in the same moment; more than silly life lessons and how-tos, but less in a sense that what I shared wouldn’t make a difference in any grand scheme of things, anyway. I was in a dark place.
Before, I only experienced pain when I inflicted it upon myself in the form of a tough workout, or a clumsy bruise from rushing around. I only felt sadness when I let outside factors break through my barriers. I only wanted more than what I already had, because gratitude doesn’t come naturally when you’ve never lost anything. After, when I had real pain, the kind I knew wouldn’t get better with a rest day and a good stretch, when I felt real sadness, real pity for myself and fear for my future, when the only thing I wanted anymore was what I wished away the day before, I didn’t have the resiliency to keep my creative spark alive. I had snuffed my own flame. I was exhausted, and bitter that I didn’t have the energy or creativity to be the next Jillian Harris.
Here I am, though, a year and a half later, reflecting on how sad and sorry I was feeling for myself. I’ve done a lot of exploring to discover the new me, and I’ve found a more refined version of myself. One with a few more cricks and cracks, some harder surfaces and some different interests. I have gratitude to replace what I took for granted, and more respect for what keeps me grounded. And a whole new journey to share.
Last spring when my recovery plateaued and my pain returned, it became pretty evident that I wasn’t going to bounce back to the runner I was before. I couldn’t contribute to settling into our new home as much as I wanted, and when I pushed myself I paid the price for weeks afterward. I said no to more things than I said yes to and I thought to myself, “what am I ever going to share with people besides this trauma?” My people would say “lots of things”. I’ve been my own worst critic, I’ve attended my own pity party long past closing time, and it’s time to reignite my spark for the sake of getting some creative juices flowing and finally providing my 5 followers with something to read.
So, I think I’ll start using this platform as a catalog for all of the new things that I love, because I still love keeping busy, and more than ever I love sharing what sparks joy, what I’m grateful for, and where my journey of healing and growth is taking me. Thanks for following along.